just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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