clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
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