so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
