I got chris browned last night
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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