I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
