Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
