so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
