Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
