i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
