I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
