I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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