FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
