i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
