Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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