Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
