sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
