I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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