two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
