You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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