mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
