im drinking this country out of the recession.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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