There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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