So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
