White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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