The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You are the jesus of drinking
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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