There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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