My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
