Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
