my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
