if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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