just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
