In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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