The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
