Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
