Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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