You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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