They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
