The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
time to smoke my breakfast
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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