the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
why is half of my head shaved?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
