well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
