Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
