Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
