we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
