he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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