people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
