Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I AM VODKA MAN
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
