Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
