And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
i think my cat just said my name.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
