don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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