but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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