Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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