I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I touched a dick in church today
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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